When a couple finally comes to see a couple of counselors at Seeking Shalom, or any other marriage therapist or pastoral counselor for that matter, they are often at a stage where they have almost given up and this move is their last hope. They may encounter a lot of disputes between the two partners one or both of them may have lied, there may just be a misunderstanding between them, and they may have even thought of separation or divorce. They may have been waiting for weeks, months or even years of unpleasantness for any of the various reasons: shame that they are going through these problems, fear that their relationship or marriage is over, failure to acknowledge that they have issues even with themselves, or even fear that once they start marital therapy they will never be free of counseling for couples. But now, they are looking for help.

There’s hope for them as individuals and as couples, though. Seeing a couple-therapist can make them understand what’s happening right now, develop new skills for the future and even transform their relationship. All of this doesn’t have to mean that couples counseling in their weekly schedule will become a continuous and regular process, just like church on Sunday or TGIF on Friday.

They were unable to tackle the problems they had brought into the office on their own, and counseling for couples can make a difference with this. Couples counseling can also help them create a framework and coping mechanism to better deal with new situations that may arise or develop in the future. When this work is done, if there are no other things to improve, the couple normally doesn’t really need counseling any further. If that’s the case, then neither I nor my staff wants the couple to continue to come in and we won’t. Any professional counselor for couples who behave ethically will continue to work with a couple who don’t have goals they are still working on. There may be a time period for some couples where they come in for “maintenance appointments” less often.

Generally speaking, these visits concentrate on checking in to ensure that they are still doing what they have learned, that nothing needs to be reviewed and that nothing else has come up as an issue. Even so, a time normally comes when the pair will stop coming to see a counselor for the couples. If the couple does not reach that conclusion, then the counselor to the couples who deal with them must do so. This isn’t always easy to do and different ways of communication and conversations can be used. An example of this from my experience would be a married couple who had accomplished their goals and didn’t work on anything any further. Once I asked them why they still came to therapy, they said their marriage was so much healthier after they came to counseling for couples. Both shared that both felt it was because they saw a counselor for couples, in particular one who discussed their faith issues. My reply was to tell them there’s nothing mystical and magical about coming and seeing me for therapy.

We were able to talk about what they had learned in therapy as we talked about this. They were also transparent on how these issues were being incorporated in their lives and in their marriage, even in new things when they came up. I told them that they no longer needed to come here. In reality, as they were paying for sessions every other week, I told them to take the money they had paid me biweekly and go every other week on a nice date. I have told them that if something again occurs or if they began to experience a new issue in their relationship then I’d be more than willing and happy to get them back to therapy, but they shouldn’t come when they don’t need it. About six months later I received an email from one of them. I went to open it hoping and praying that they had no new problem. What the email said was that they were both doing really well and really loving the biweekly date evening prescription.

My understanding is, this pattern goes with many couples over and over again. In reality, as I think about what success as a counselor for couples is, this type of result is definitely a success. It is a positive sign and wholesome feeling when the couple can feel wholeness and harmony in their relationship and even when I am no longer directly involved and they can continue to experience this. If you have something going on in your relationship, realize that you can indeed find a safe place to chat and discuss what’s happening and it doesn’t have to mean making a couple counselor an extra part of your relationship on a permanent basis.