This article is extracted from “This is NOT a Second Honeymoon: Helping Couples Survive Spending A Lot of Time Together”, a book that was written by Christopher L. Smith to help couples during the COVID-19 pandemic. In his clinical work, he realized that couples being quarantined together have particular challenges. The book goes into a lot of these challenges along with strategies to survive these types of times and even to have their relationship thrive. We will be sharing a series of these extracts over several weeks to help you. If you would like to look at all of them together and get the book right away, it can be found on Amazon (Book).

Being in close proximity to your partner, you are aware of how they are being affected. Caring for them, when you are not totally frustrated with them, you wish you could alleviate some of the hurt and anguish they may be feeling. This can lead you to want to hold back from asking for what you want. The problem with this is that if both of you act this way, neither of you will ever get to know what the other person wants, and you will both end up going without when that does not have to be the case.

The desires you have are something that you are allowed. You have a right to ask for what you want, whether it is really important to you or if it is more trivial. Making lots of demands would be something different, but there is not a problem with making a request, simply asking to see if your wants could be met. Some of your wants may be in conflict with what your partner needs or wants. As a result, while you have the right (and maybe even the responsibility) to ask for what you want, you also need to listen to how your partner responds and have some flexibility around your wants based upon that.

If you are having a hard time asking, sit down with your partner to each put forward some things that you want. Maybe the first time that you do this, each of you writes down four things that you want, perhaps limited to a simpler area of your life, such as your daily routine or meal choices. Swap lists and ask any clarifying questions that you need. Then each of you commits to giving the other person two of their wants. No judgment about the ones not selected. Here’s the Book.